Creative Arts with Patrick Moore

How Rising Gas Prices Heal the Earth and Raise Quality of Life
February 13, 2010, 7:07 pm
Filed under: Comedy/Improv, ecology

the subtitle is: How the Inevitable Rise in the Price of Gasiline Will Change Our Lives for the Better

I am reading this book I picked up at my library today. Wow, a great informative optimistic book! I don’t know if I told you this but I performed a comedy sketch on this very topic in 2007 at one of our first Monsoon Voices events, which I have attached below for your amusement. Anyway, I highly recommend you read this book, click the link at the top of the page or it may be at your local library.

Skit follows:

My Campaign Promise (as if I were running for president)

Thank you, Governor Napalatano, for that glowing introduction. She’s right, I am the greenest. When Al Gore and I had lunch, he had a black coffee with cream and sugar. I had a decaf fair trade soy latte with no napkin, no lid, and no cozy—I don’t want to make more waste into the landfills. Actually I ordered it with no cup. I know what you’re thinking, he brings his own mug. Washing dishes wastes water and the soap has to go somewhere, it ends up in streams and oceans. So I don’t wash anything. When I order a latte, I just hold out my hands.

Thank you all for paying two hundred fifty dollars a plate to help me get elected. As you’re looking down at your plates you have noticed by now there is no meat, and your vegetables are raw. And they are not plates but bowls. Isn’t it a brilliant shade of green? What is it? It’s a green smoothie. Just spinach and kale and water pureed in a blender. You can just pick up the bowls and drink it. Try it! You probably already know that my number one issue in the next election is gas prices. I have been doing some scientific research and I have made an amazing discovery—the more gas and oil that is used, the more pollution goes into the air, land, and water. I see some of you have laptops open now? The findings are all in my paper. You can read it on my website. If elected I promise gas prices will be my highest priority dot com… slash articles, slash written by me slash about gas prices affecting pollution dot asp. There is a hit counter on the web page to see if anyone reads it. Well, I’ll save you the time and tell you the highlights:

I promise to enact new taxes that will double your prices at the pump. Every year.

My research shows clearly that when you double something over and over, it gets really big really fast. I promise that within four years, gas prices will be astronomical. If elected a second term, I promise that gas prices will be infinity. Yeah, I am surprised nobody has thought of this before! There is one problem. The gas station owners may be mad because the signs are not engineered to hold up that many digits. I know, gas station owners are people too so two or three dollars a gallon will still go to the gas station but the rest of the tax will go directly to the animals endangered by the pollution that using gas makes– spawning salmon, spotted owls, and so forth. We are going to give them little debit cards. Another problem is how they will hold onto the cards. You can’t give an endangered animal a leather belt and wallet, its inhumane. More likely we will capture them, knock them unconscious and surgically insert a chip under the skin that will register their account every time they get close to a cash register or ATM. If they are shopping online they can just use a nickname and password.

See, political science now realizes you can’t change people’s behavior by making laws. The new politics are all about encouraging new behavior patterns by giving financial incentives. For example, by dropping loan rates, we can get more people to buy houses and SUVs. With this principle in mind, if we want a greener planet, it only makes sense to bring buyers into the market who will spend greenly. We think billionaire salmon and owls will reclaim wetlands and forests by buying up large parcels of suburbia, leveling the houses with bulldozers, and planting trees and digging new streams over the humans’ old homes. We’re hoping they don’t buy guns.

Anyway, if that doesn’t work, I promise to focus my remaining years in office entirely on the space program. The EU intends to send manned missions to Mars within thirty years. America needs to speed up our plans because Europeans work together—its not a fair fight. But even if we get there first, there are some problems. Who owns the land? If there is nobody there to kill and rob it from, how will we really be able to feel like it is ours? We may just wait until the Europeans or Chinese get there and then take it from them. Once we control the land there is another problem. If there are no forests to level for cow pastures, no rivers to dam, how will we really feel like we are masters over the land? I have an answer. If we can raise the temperature on Mars about twenty degrees, this will melt the polar ice caps. This will create lakes for jet-skis and oxygen so we can breathe. I believe this will alleviate our Nation’s sense of guilt about global warming on Earth, because when we create global warming on Mars, this actually makes Mars greener! Melting the ice caps will give us a sense of pride, of having created a really useful planet… if it works. And if it doesn’t, well, it’s not about the outcome, its a process.